1. Cancel everything

Note: “everything” refers to the six Thursday comedies this season (30 Rock, Community, The Office, Parks and Recreation, Up All Night, and Whitney).

This is, by far, the most drastic option, but it might just be the most successful one. And why not do it? It’s not as if there’s a ratings hero of the bunch that you could salvage. And the quality of each show (with the exception of Community, which hasn’t aired a new episode since the beginning of December) is doing down, some of them precipitously. But NBC is still getting Emmy, SAG, and WGA nominations (no Globes this year), and they’ll probably want to bask in that bright light, so…

2. Cancel everything not nominated for a major award (with the exception of the criminally under-awarded Community)

This leaves 30 Rock, Community, and Parks. And I have a problem with (only one part of) that.

30 Rock was brilliant in 2011. Some of their best episodes ever came from the second half of their fifth season. But 2012 has not been good to the aging veteran. So far, I have despised three of the nine episodes they’ve produced (including the hour-long fiasco of a Valentine’s Day episode). Their high so far, “Idiots Are People Three,” might not be able to match some of the earlier seasons’ lows.

The show can still be productive (see all of the increasingly weird Season 5/this season’s Dance Like Nobody’s Watching, Today You Are a Man, and The Tuxedo Begins), but it must be better. I honestly don’t know what needs to be fixed, since they do so much crazy stuff, but it really hurts to see what was my favorite show at one point in shambles like this. Ugh, #firstworldproblems. #AmIRiteJustin?

And that is the perfect segue for…

3. Make Parks the “anchor”

The Office will be done soon, and that will leave a void at the precious 9:00 anchor spot. So who should take it over?

30 Rock? No, because they don’t have that many years left in the tank, either.

Community? Bahahahahahaha. Not with those ratings.

Up All Night? The experiment in which NBC tries to force Office fans to like UAN has officially failed. I give it one more season tops.

Whitney? See: Community, but replace the word “ratings” with something dirty (just like Whitney would).

Parks and Rec is the obvious choice. It’s shot in the same mockumentary style, but it’s less in your face. It doesn’t do too poorly in the ratings (for NBC). The lead is lovable and easy to become obsessed with emotionally attached to. And Office devotees with enjoy spending time with Karen Filipelli’s nicer and hoter alter ego, Ann Perkins.

4. Take comedy to an/other night/s

This one is the riskiest of all of them. CBS has Mondays, Fox has Tuesdays, ABC has Wednesdays, and NBC has Thursdays. That’s how it is meant to be.

But imagine a world in which NBC just up and moved their comedies to another night, or took certain comedies and moved them in groups of two to three separate nights. NBC actually has nothing to lose by doing this. I would actually move all the non-perfect shows (so all the shows that aren’t Parks or Community) out of prestigious Thursday.

Create a new, three hour block on Tuesdays, the most vulnerable days. The Glee-hating, Raising Hope/New Girl-loving Fox fans would watch from 8-9; the Cougar Townians who dislike horror could stop by at 9; and there are no comedies being shown at 10, so that’s an instant ratings boost. The Biggest Loser is easily movable, and starting that program at 9 (after Idol ends) would make sense.

5. Keep everything the way it is and hope Damon Wayans, Jr. and whoever is judging American Idol now-a-days die

No.

6. Reward quality and face the fact that you’ll never not be NBC

This is a summation of all of my arguments.

Parks and Recreation wasn’t bad this week. Of course, it was in no way a season high for them, but it really does bear repeating; their worst is better than most of television’s best (that goes for you as well, Community).

But 30 Rock was. And The Office has had only a handful of good episodes this season. (And Up All Night is Up All Night.) You do know how many people I tell about your quality shows on a daily basis? 15… that’s how many. And it’s not only the comedies/the shows I’ve actually seen. I tell people about Smash, The Voice, Parenthood, Awake, Grimm, even Sunday Night Football; all in the hopes that they’ll watch your network.

When it comes down to it, I love you, NBC. I really do. I’ve spent more quality time with you than nearly anyone (do the math: 21 minutes of JUST Parks and Rec X each week since the “Indianapolis” episode, not including re-watches on Hulu or the summer reruns). I know who you are and what you do. And no matter what… no matter how many viewers the Super Bowl fetches The Voice, you’re still NBC. The ratings fade, and you return to week after week of finishing behind Univision.

I want you to know that I’m here for you. But you have to give up some* of your bad habits (benching good shows, airing AYTC, etc.) and devote yourself to having the best shows on TV. PBS is doing just that, and look at what they can achieve.

One last thing: it’s going to be okay. Keep your chin up and don’t cancel any of my shows. Thank you.

…

So, what do you think the solution is? Do you like me writing about TV? And is it just me or does this post feel really sloppy?

Why is this here? I think you know why.

Best Adapted Screenplay

This is a person one for me. (It’s also a personal one, but I let the typo be because it still works.) Why? Because Community‘s Dean Pelton (known to others as Jim Rash, apparently) is nominated for writing The Descendants‘ screenplay. I think Moneyball‘s was better, but I’m still rooting for Rash. Homie don’t dean this!

If I got to pick:

1. The Descendants
2. Moneyball
3. Hugo
4. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy*
5. The Ides of March*

My official prediction:

Best Original Screenplay

If I got to pick:

1. Bridesmaids
2. The Artist
3. Margin Call
4. Midnight in Paris
5. A Separation*

My official prediction:

Best Visual Effects

I don’t mean to be elitist, but I don’t think bad movies should get nominated for these technical categories unless they’re truly groundbreaking in the field. But what I say doesn’t matter. If it did, good movies would win awards.

If I got to pick:

1. Hugo
2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: This Title is Too Long
3. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
4. Real Steel*
5. Transformers: This Movie Shouldn’t Exist*

My official prediction:

Best Sound Mixing

If I got to pick:

1. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
2. Hugo
3. Moneyball
4. War Horse*
5. Transformers: Dark of the Moon*

My official prediction:

Best Sound Editing

I’m afraid that Drive (which I will be seeing very soon after posting this) will walk away without an award. That’s why I’ll be rooting for it in every category it appears in… which is just this one.

If I got to pick:

1. Drive*
2. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
3. Hugo
4. War Horse*
5. Transformers: Dark of the Moon*

My official prediction:

Best Original Song

They’re not allowing the performances of the two nominees during the show. I’m glad.

My official prediction:

1. The Muppets will win.
2. The other one won’t.

Best Original Score

John Williams is nominated twice this year (shocker). How is that okay but an actor being nominated twice in the same category not?

My official prediction:

Best Makeup

I’d make a Glenn Close joke, but I feel like I’m being too hard on her.

My official prediction:

Best Foreign Language Film

I keep forgetting that this is a thing. And then I keep remembering how big of a joke this category is. I’m glad I keep forgetting.

If I got to pick:

1. A Separation*

My official prediction:

Best Film Editing

Finally! I’ve seen all of the films in one category!

If I got to pick:

1. Hugo
2. The Artist
3. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
4. Moneyball
5. The Descendants

My official prediction:

Best Documentary Feature

See: my little write-up on Best Foreign Film. Add to it, preferably in all caps: how to hell do you leave Senna, The Arbor, and The Interrupters off your shortlist?!?!

If I got to pick:

1. The Interrupters (write-in candidate)

My official prediction:

Best Costume Design

Can Downton Abbey not be nominated for this?

My official prediction:

Best Art Direction

If I got to pick:

1. The Artist
2. Hugo
3. Midnight in Paris
4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II
5. War Horse*

My official prediction:

Best Cinematography

If I got to pick:

1. The Tree of Life
2. The Artist
3. Hugo
4. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
5. War Horse

My official prediction:

Best Animated Feature Film

This one isn’t even close. It’s the lock of the night.

My official prediction:

1. Rango*

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

If I got to pick:

1. Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
2. Berenice Bejo, The Artist
3. Octavia Spencer, The Help
4. Jessica Chastain, The Help
5. Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs*

My official prediction:

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Even though I thought Jonah Hill was better in Moneyball…

If I got to pick:

1. Christopher Plummer, Beginners
2. Jonah Hill, Moneyball

My official prediction:

Best Actress in a Leading Role

#freekirsten

If I got to pick:

1. Viola Davis, The Help
2. Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
3. Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
4. Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn
5. Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs

My official prediction:

Best Actor in a Leading Role

If I got to pick:

1. George Clooney, The Descendants
2. Brad Pitt, Moneyball
3. Jean Dujardin, The Artist
4. Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy*
5. Demian Bichir, A Better Life* (this is punishment for meddling with a perfectly decent Season 5 of Weeds; nobody cares about your character, man)

My official prediction:

Best Directing

If I got to pick:

1. Martin Scorsese, Hugo
2. Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
3. Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life
4. Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
5. Alexander Payne, The Descendants

My official prediction:

Best Picture

Sorry, Hugo.

If I got to pick:

1. The Artist
2. Hugo
3. Moneyball
4. The Tree of Life
5. The Descendants
6. Midnight in Paris
7. The Help
8. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close*
9. War Horse*

My official prediction:

Well, NBC? Don’t you feel so much better now? You should. You done good. Now cancel Are You There, Chelsea? and I’ll finally be satisfied. Also, a few more seasons of Community would be nice.

Anyway, this is good, but it messes with my schedule this week something fierce. I always wear my #AnniesMove t-shirt on Thursdays, but this week I get to wear it twice. I usually skip watching 30 Rock live because it makes me feel guilty for contributing to the ratings (Parks doesn’t get that treatment… they deserve my views much more), but now I get/have to watch it (oh, come on, 30 Rock fans… you know it peaked four years ago). Not only that, but I was beginning to actively promote Abed’s precious Cougar Town. I can’t encourage my friends to watch two shows at once! That’s illegal!

And I had a post I spent a lot of time (5-12 minutes) on that is now somewhat useless. The intro for it was:

Today, in a feature I will update fortnightly until Community gets renewed and as a result I lose interest, I break down each of the four big American TV networks’ schedules to see what stays and what gets taken to the dump.

Obviously this Community thing is good news, but you couldn’t have saved the news for tomorrow? In said post (which I will now just make a page for), I claimed Community was likely to be renewed.

This is extremely good news. 30 Rock wasn’t working out at 8:00, and Community returning to that timeslot means NBC isn’t going to see where it can or can’t pull better or worse ratings. They understand what Community‘s ratings are, and they are accepting it. I still say Community is likely to be renewed, and with a few good showings from those Nielsen families, I might even bump it up to certain renewal.

Anyway, here’s NBC’s Thursday schedule as of March 15:

8:00 — Community

8:30 — 30 Rock

9:00 — The Office

9:30 — Up All Night

And here’s what happens on April 19:

8:00 — Community

8:30 — 30 Rock

9:00 — The Office

9:30 — Parks and Recreation

I’m good with this. See you then, human beings.

Notes about the fate of the blog:

• Here’s the link to the page with the TV predictions.
• I was recently on an Oscar roundtable. You should check it out. (And then watch Community. And maybe also Cougar Town if you really feel like it.)
• I may begin to write about TV soon. Is that something you guys would want?
• Sorry if this post is sloppy. I think I took too long (5-12 minutes) writing it.
• Next time on the blog: my Oscar predictions. Let’s hope NBC doesn’t spoil that post for me either. (Even though everyone knows who’s going to win Best Picture, anyway.)

10. The Philadelphia Story

This past weekend, I had a chance to see The Descendants, which was excellent. When it came time to draw up this list, and I selected The Philadelphia Story as one of my nominees, I kept getting reminded of the craziness and chaos in The Descendants. Both movies perfectly capture the little misunderstandings that happen daily. It also helps (again, I’m talking about both films) if you have a talented all around cast. Runner-up: The Spiral Staircase.

9. Casablanca

Why so low? I actually think Casablanca is overrated. It doesn’t currently hold my highest star rating (****), but instead the second-best (***1/2). But I’m not saying it’s a bad movie… not at all. It’s classically gorgeous and beautifully emotional, but I feel how much you’ll like the film is based on how much you believe the one flashback scene served up near the beginning of the film.

1940

1944

8. Gaslight/Gaslight

No, that’s not the title of the film. I’m referring to two separate films. (Sorry, Prozac Paul!) The 1944 edition of Gaslight was my favorite film for years. And then I saw the 1940 version, and didn’t know what to think. Now, I just lump them together, because no one wants to see the same film on the list twice. (Note: if they’re available on Netflix, they’ll definitely be a double-feature in a film festival in April.)

Caption contest, anyone?

7. Double Indemnity

I’m not sure if I’ve told you this before, but Billy Wilder is one of my two favorite directors of all-time (we’ll get to the next one in a little while). While this isn’t my favorite film of his (it might actually just miss a Top 3 list), I still love it. It makes a near-perfect double-feature with Sunset Blvd., and I would definitely suggest checking out all of Wilder’s other work if you happen to like Double Indemnity.

6. Shadow of a Doubt

The reason making a favorite/best films of all-time list is so hard is this movie. Not necessarily only this movie, but movies like this one. Shadow of a Doubt is a film I’ve seen about six times, and it’s one of Hitchcock’s harder movies to stop watching in the middle (even if you know what’s going to happen, it’s addicting). Just like with DI, it’s not the best movie one of my favorite directors ever made, but I have an extraordinary attachment to it. Fun fact: bestness is in the eye of the beholder, because it is Hitchcock’s personal favorite.

5. The Bicycle Thief

I rewatched Never Let Me Go, one of my favorites from 2010, two weeks ago; and just as I was reminded of The Descendants by The Philadelphia Story, I was reminded of Never Let Me Go by The Bicycle Thief (just now, when I started writing this sentence). These films are, by far, the two most tragic I have ever seen. I’m a sucker for tragedy, but I really appreciate it when a movie is subtle, like the ending of these two. But let’s settle this one: is it The Bicycle Thief, A Bicycle Thief, or Bicycle Thieves?

4. Brief Encounter

This is just a beautiful movie. Plain and simple. Please look it up now. I’d tell you what it’s about, but you’d just call it sappy.

3. The Great Dictator

This is one of my favorite all-time Chaplins. I can’t pick my single favorite scene from it because I have no single favorite scene. This is surprising because, like most of Chaplin’s better work, The Great Dictator is a coherent that has plenty of memorable single moments.

There has been some criticism, though, of the film’s ending, and I’d like to defend it. (It’s been almost 72 years since it was released, so I’ll just assume everyone has already seen it.) In the end, the barber/tramp gets mistaken for Hynkle/Hitler, and is forced to make a speech. In this speech, Charles Chaplin presents his own views to the camera and to the world. It’s not funny and some would say it doesn’t fit in with the tone of the rest of the piece. But this is Hitler we’re not-so-subtly talking about. The whole movie skewers him anyway. Chaplin said what he thought had to be said and he was right (by me, at least) to include that.

2. The Best Years of Our Lives

1. Citizen Kane

It was a close one between The Best Years of Our Lives and Citizen Kane for #1, and I cannot promise that the reason I chose Kane wasn’t because I saw it last. But this is my list: flawed and imperfect. Some, including me, would say that there is no perfect film. If forced to choose a film to argue that it is, however, I would probably choose one of these. Neither is a particularly short or easy work to watch, but somehow the hours seems to melt away gladly. I don’t know if dramas are supposed to be fun, but when their quality is this high, I don’t know how they can’t be.

For the first few minutes of The Help, I couldn’t get Gone With the Wind out of my head. It’s an interesting comparison (but don’t worry, I won’t pull another Rabbit Hole/Another Earth on you). GWTW was filmed 30 years before The Help takes place, but somehow the help in that are treated much better than the help in this film from 2011.

That’s because The Help is a film about racism (where Gone wasn’t). I’m usually weary of the race movie that’s set in 1960s’ Southland because there’s no room for thought or rebuttal. Not that there should be any doubt as to who the victims and who the perpetrators are, but I prefer films containing those themes whose main focus is something other than racism. That’s why I like Driving Miss Daisy more than most; the relationship between Miss Daisy and Hoke is front and center. But try as it might, I saw past the little plot ploy of having the always-likable Emma Stone (Skeeter here) interview Aibileen and Minny (potential future Oscar-winner Viola Davis and definite future Oscar-winner Octavia Spencer, respectively). But for every thing I had a problem with, there were 1.79 things I liked about The Help.

The tendency with mainstream Hollywood pictures is for every little detail to be ironed out; this is not the case with The Help. Take for example a black maid getting arrested in the street. We assume this is done because a very mean character didn’t like her talking to Stone (we’ll get to her in a little bit), but this is never explicitly stated. Also, I’m glad the film didn’t stray too much into the typical racial tension move of showing us the KKK. We feel their presence as much as we should, so we don’t really need them there.

In the film, we meet a woman who is a complete bitch; Hilly Holbrook, who is played by the no-holds-barred Bryce Dallas Howard. She’s the one who inspires (if I can say that) Skeeter to write a scathing, but perfectly true, novel about and with the assistance of The Help. I couldn’t figure out why they made her way more racist than all the other little housewives. I thought this was going to be a movie about casual racism and the way a few brave women combat it. But I realize now that Hilly being awful takes the pressure off of Octavia Spencer to deliver a flawless performance (which she does, anyway). What do I mean? I mean we have to forgive Spencer’s Minny for something terrible: baking her own feces into a pie then giving it to Hilly to eat.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe she doesn’t deserve it. But this was a very silly detail in an otherwise very serious film. The movie is comical, but I wasn’t laughing at this. In the end, we (The Academy and I) forgave Minny for her impulsive, repulsive act (how could we not?), but–come on–we watched a woman eat poop.

In 2011, we saw a lot of women on-screen (see: Bridesmaids), and The Help features a cast populated with incredible actresses. In fact, the only male with more than one speaking scene in the film is useless (yes, this is a criticism… nobody cares about Skeeter’s love life… this isn’t her story). Jessica Chastain is delightful as a Marilyn Monroe-lite housewife who could slaughter a chicken but must be coached by Minny on etiquette and family life. Spencer and Davis are both wonderful, and will definitely deserve the Oscars they will probably win (even though Kirsten Dunst should have been nominated for Best Actress). But it’s Allison Janney who steals the show for me as Skeeter’s mother, who is incredibly complicated. She does more with the limited screen time she has than any actress in 2011.

The film ends on a note that conflicted me. The humiliated, herpes-suffering Hilly pulls a classic Hilly: she convinces one of the other white housewives that Aibileen stole a piece of silver from the family, and she insists Aibileen (the only person in the household to care about baby Mae) be sacked. I’m still grappling with the ending of the movie because the evil white lady won. Yes, that’s what actually happened in history (up until a few years later), but still… after all of the triumphs the endearing characters I’d been watching for so long celebrated, we’re left with that ending? It wasn’t so much Viola Davis walking into the horizon. I was fine with that bit, since she seemed hopeful about becoming a writer (that part of the earlier plot should have been played up more, by the way). But seeing that child scream in the window for her Aibileen is tragic and horrifying.

In a way, it’s beautiful: we’re left to think about what influenced the child more… an encouraging mother (that would be Aibileen) or a meddling aunt. But in another way, it’s awful: are we to understand that no matter how hard we work, some people will always have the upper hand? What do you think?

My rating: *** (out of 4)

Random notes and amusing quotes:

• “Shut that goddamn door.”
• “It’s been endorsed by the White Citizen’s Council!”
• “That’s a little too everything.”
• “Your eggs are dying… would it kill you to go on a date?”
• “We done it now.”
• “Mexican man shoes”
• “This. Is. Soooo much fun.”
• “The Help. H-E-L-P.”
• “…and I have decided not to die.”
• It mentions a “gay cure.”
• Accent-wise, I feel like the movie paints with a broad brush.
• Oh, come on! No one sits on a desk like Mary Steenburgen did in this movie!
• Hilly’s senile mother is a hoot!
• I love it when a movie uses the same location/setting twice to draw a comparison. In this one, see the bathroom ones.
• I didn’t talk much about the character Jessica Chastain plays, but she’s fun to be with.
• It’s funny how they donate to starving African children…
• In my notes, I wrote down both “Spencer – powerful” and “Viola Davis – truth.”
• The toilet scene was another over-the-top one, but the pie scene takes the cake. (Get it?)
• While I may have criticized the relationship the film tries to create between The Help and Skeeter, I thought the one between Minny and Chastain’s character was very touching. Seeing Chastain giggle while she was serving Spencer was beautiful.
• I’m really sorry I don’t know Jessica Chastain’s character name.
• There was no hard-at-work montage showing late nights typing, and I’m so glad. They kept it simple and real.
• The Help was the 26th best film of 2011, in my opinion. If you enjoyed it, please see Driving Miss Daisy.
• Next time: the best movies from the 1940s.

I am not unsure what my favorite movie is (it’s Some Like it Hot, of course), but I am unsure about what the best movie ever made is. What does “best” even mean? Best in what way? For awhile, I maintained a Top 100 films list, but I considered those movies to be neither the “best” nor my “favorites.” I put some 3 1/2 star films before 4 star films, some very funny satires before some very heavy dramas. The list was a representation and reflection of me, and nothing else.

But coming to this conclusion really didn’t help me. If I made that list again, Some Like it Hot would top it. If I could only recommend one film to each person I know, Some Like it Hot would be that film more than half the time (some people have different tastes, other films would suit them better). I can watch it over and over and over again, and I’ll never tire of it. Does that make it the best? Is best even subjective?

You’ve wasted your time reading this, because there is no answer (at least not for me). I can pick the top films of each year or decade, but doing so for all of time seems not only impossible but wrong. For now, when someone asks me what the best film of all-time is, I’ll give them 4 to 12 films, instead of just one. Or maybe I’ll just say “I Am Legend.”

…

• Do you have an answer? Do you understand the question? (I sure don’t.)
• What’s your favorite film?
• Up next: my review of either The Help, The Artist, City Island, Howl, or Margin Call.

5. The 39 Steps

I haven’t seen very many films from the thirties (which is why this is a top 5 instead of a top 10 or 25). But I have time to catch up. I don’t expect all of these to endure, and The 39 Steps least of all. It’s an interesting, albeit slight, early Hitchcock effort that finds multiple people in the wrong place at the wrong time. Classic, eh? Runner-up: Ninotchka.

4. The Thin Man

I don’t believe I’ve ever mentioned this before, but I quite enjoy murder mysteries (particularly Agatha Christie novels). I also have an affinity for comedies. So imagine how I felt when I found a murder mystery that made me laugh. The Thin Man series is one of the earliest and probably the most underrated movie franchise of all-time.

3. Gone With the Wind

An oldie, but a goodie! (Aren’t they all?) People have suggested that Gone With the Wind is boring. These are the same people that will have you believe that Community deserves to be cancelled or Mitt Romney is consistent (zing!). Sure, it clocks in at 15 minutes under four hours, but so what? When a movie is this brilliant and utterly fascinating, time flies.

2. Modern Times

I haven’t had a chance to see Modern Times since early 2010, but it still sticks out in my memories as one of the greatest films of all-time. Not only is it a funny movie, it’s drama works well, too. However, if I had to recommend one of Chaplin’s 1930s products to you, it would have to be…

1. City Lights

Yes, my top two are Chaplin films. Recently, I selected City Lights for salvation from movie-eating monsters, and today I crown it as the best film of the thirties. I’ll have to create a pantheon soon enough, as I mention this one too often (well… twice in two weeks). But it deserves all the love. Modern Times is hilarious, but City Lights is funnier. Modern Times is deep, but City Lights is deeper. I really love this film, and I insist you see it as soon as possible.

…

Additionally, and I won’t ever give you this opportunity again, you may now make fun of Alec Baldwin for his recent comments:

Okay, well, The Google has found no videos for this, so I’ll just tell you what he said. He claimed that Ben Stiller and Jim Carrey are the closest things we have today to Charles Chaplin. Uhhh, nooooo? Old Charles Chaplin DVDs seem to be the closest things we have today to Charles Chaplin. Never put him in the same sentence as them again, Alec.

Great

• The Dictator trailer
• Old Navy Corporado
• Hyundai Rocky Theme
• Best Buy Words With Friends
• Coca-Cola Cross Polar Bear
• Chevy Aftermath
• VW Dog/Vader 2
• Howard Stern America’s Got Talent Promo
• Skechers Mr. Quigly
• Pepsi Max For Life
• Toyota Reinvention
• NFL Forever Forward
• Honda Ferris Bueller
• Awake promo (!!!)

Good

• Hulu Plus Will Arnett Mushy Mush
• Geico So Totally Gross
• Pizza Hut Rap
• Audi So Long Vampires
• Pepsi Elton John
• Chevy Sonic First
• Cars.com Confidence
• Doritos Baby
• NFL $1 Million
• The Camry Effect
• Chase Drew Brees
• Time Warner Cable Gervais/Weeds/Zombies
• Century 21 Bold
• Jack in the Box Bacon Wedding
• MetLife Everyone Cartoon
• Career Builder Business Trip

Average

• NFL We Play For You
• Bridgestone Deion Sanders
• Tax Act Totally Pee
• Coca-Cola Polar Bear Wide Receiver
• The Avengers trailer
• E-Trade Speed Dating
• Jay Leno Like a Virgin
• LMFAO Half Time
• Polar Bear Noooo
• Acura Seinfeld
• Mazda Weird Montage
• Reliant Weird Bachelor
• Bud Light We Go
• NBC Thursday Comedy promo

Bad

• Bud Light Platinum
• Hyundai Cheetah
• M&M Naked
• Godaddy.co
• Budweiser Prohibition
• Doritos You Didn’t See Nuthin’
• Chevy Graduation
• Fiat Whipped Cream
• Oikos Headbutt
• Budweiser Nostalgia
• Bridgestone Sleeping Baby
• Hyundai Success in Business
• Kia Optima Dream Car
• Samsung Over the Top

The Worst

• GE and Budweiser making ugly, nasty, promotional love

The Best

Applesauce

1. The Larry Sanders Show: this was my January discovery… Netflix suggested it to me for months before I finally clicked on it January 2nd at 9:15 PM.

2. Better Off Ted: of all the shows that I feel got cancelled too soon (see: Arrested Development, Free Agents, Monday Monday…), BOT was the absolute weirdest. An episode in which a foreign business woman forces a man to have sex with her while she’s using a translator device that makes her sound like a male scientist? And bagels are involved? No way, bro. I miss you, Ted, but I will forever cherish the episodes I had with you.

3. Silent cinema: this month, I got a chance to see two of the all-time great silent films. Yes, I’m talking about City Lights and The Artist. “Wait… whoa whoa whoa… The Artist? Are you serious?” you might say. “Yes, I am,” I might say. Stay tuned for a discussion of it!

4. Kazuo Ishiguro’s novel, Never Let Me Go: I’ve seen the movie (in fact, it’ll come up soon when I reveal my best of the decades list), of course, and am reading this for an English project in school. If you’ve never read it, I suggest you do. Even the most resistant readers will be literally glued to each page. Sticky stuff.

5. Louie: Louie is a special kind of show, and I’m glad Netflix has Season 1 ready to be watched. It combines stand-up with twisted sitcom scenarios with surrealism. I can’t wait for Netflix to add Season 2, which I hear is even better.

The Bad

Dear NBC: I can count the reasons I should stay, but cancel Community and they'll ALL fade away.

1. Community‘s suspension beginning: Community‘s hiatus feels like old news, but not enough people know about it. With 30 Rock doing just as bad as it in the ratings, Up All Night flailing in the cushy post-Office slot, and The Firm getting canned, we’re this much closer to getting it back.

2. Are You There, Chelsea?: This was just awful. It was insulting to the ideas of comedy and human decency. I don’t mind Community being on hiatus; I mind Community being on hiatus while Are You There exists.

3. The Office‘s Pool Party: This show is falling apart. Here’s their future:

4. NBC giving Dwight Schrute a spinoff: The Office is falling apart. They’ll won’t make it to 10 seasons. Here’s what I think will happen next year: in the fall, we have the same Thursday line-up that we have now. They may go back to a 3-hour comedy block, but those will both be new series. In the winter, The Office‘s series finale (season 9 will be a sort one, ending in mid-January) leads into The Schrute Show (made-up title). At that time, Community comes back at 8, 30 Rock moves to 8:30, Parks becomes the anchor of the line-up, and Schrute is happy at 9:30. Can you tell I’ve thought about this?

5. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close and War Horse scoring Oscar noms: I really didn’t want to see either of these films, but now I feel like I’m obligated to.

And The Rest

From best to worst:

1. Poetry
2. 2001: A Space Odyssey
3. The IT Crowd, Season 4
4. The Tree of Life and Moneyball getting nominated for Oscars
5. Malcolm in the Middle, Season 3
6. Another Earth
7. Weeds, Season 1
8. Retired at 35, Season 1
9. Hanna
10. The new season of 30 Rock
11. My Name is Earl, Season 1
12. Cameraman: The Life and Work of Jack Cardiff
13. 3 episodes of Life on Mars the U.S. series
14. Monday Monday, Series 1
15. One episode of Whitney

A Christmas Story

Looking over my list, I see no overtly religious films; A Christmas Story is probably as close as you’re going to get. But I don’t really think of it as a Christmas movie, even though it has the word Christmas in the title. It’s not like my favorite scenes come before (or after) what’s supposed to be Christmas day. It’s not that I’m not religious (even though I’m really not). A Christmas Story is just a family movie (and I don’t mean that in this sense, but rather something more like this). I’ll always remember sitting on the couch, watching this with my family… no matter what the weather is like outside or if there’s a tree in the corner of the room.

Citizen Kane

I wrote about this one a few days after I saw it for the first time. The film had worked its magic. If we’re not counting Jefferson, I’d say this is probably the most well-made film ever. The information you can gleam from the way the camera is positioned or the way we transition from one lasting image to the next… that’s why people call this movie the greatest of all-time. Every time I see this movie (it’s been 1.2 times now), I put down my texting device and just stare in awe. That‘s the sort of movie I’d want to have forever (or at least until the next movie-eating monster invasion).

City Lights

This is the funniest movie produced before 1959 (we’ll get to that in a bit, I’m sure). But it’s also one of the most tragic. You know me, I wouldn’t dare ruin a great film, so let’s just leave it at: that final shot will, no doubt, floor me every single time I see it. I knew I’d be including a Charles Chaplin film (how could I not?), but I never thought that it would be the saddest picture on the list.

Dogtooth

Well… this is an interesting one, isn’t it? You’ve probably never heard of Dogtooth, and that’s too bad. I wrote a review of it once, but I won’t link to it; it’s useless because I’m so vague in it. (I did once say that watching it was similar to “being murdered by an Austro-Chinese transgender prostitute while you’re shopping at Wal-Mart,” though.) You know what? Why don’t you go watch it right now? Here’s the link to it on Netflix Instant. Don’t go reading any reviews before, and don’t worry. We’ll wait.

Oh. Back already? See what I mean?

A Hard Day’s Night

I saw this movie twice in 24 hours, and it was as fresh the second time as it was the first. A Hard Day’s Night is sheer expression. It’s one that can be watched at any time, while in any mood. Plus, it looks like it was so much fun to produce. You’d be best served watching the film for yourself, then reading my review… still one of the best reviews I’ve ever written. It really helps when the movie you’re writing about is great. Side note: my Twitter icon is from this movie.

Man on Wire

I first saw this when I still held a working Top 50 list, and it debuted at #6. It was, for me, the best film of the double-naughts (we’ll have a Top 25 list on all the decades later, by the way). I said that A Hard Day’s Night is sheer expression, and that’s true for this one as well. I’m a bit surprised that only one documentary made my list, but I’m glad I got to put in a film that deserves it based on individual merit and not just being the best documentary I’ve ever seen/I ever expect to see.

Pulp Fiction

Oh, what can I say about Pulp Fiction that has not already been said? It’s the most foul-mouthed and violent on my list, but also one of the higher-ranking all-time ones. True, I’ve only seen it once, but is that not enough for a spot? Especially for a film of this quality. Pulp Fiction probably isn’t for the squeamish, but that doesn’t matter. See it anyway.

Some Like it Hot

This April, I will be putting on a little virtual film festival; I will choose 3-5 films that are available on the Internet, watch them, review them, and hope you follow along. Why do I bring this up at this point in time? Because I already know what one of those films will be: Some Like it Hot. It is the funniest movie ever made, for my money the best movie ever made, and by far my favorite movie ever. Is there a film for you that does what Some Like it Hot does to me?

That Darn Cat!

Previously, I had Never Let Me Go as my final inclusion, but I couldn’t resist putting this one in the ole time capsule. Call me a softy, but I have fond memories of watching this one with the family. Sure, I’ve never cried so hard at a movie as I did at NLMG, but if the world has been taken over by a movie-eating monster, would you rather laugh or cry?

Wall-e

This was my first choice when I came up with the topic. And not just because at least one animated film would need to be preserved. Wall-e is a story of reconstruction; we see characters try to rekindle connections that have been lost for centuries. Not only are they returning to a planet they know little about, but they’re making friends face-to-face for the first time in their lives. Should we need an instructional video on how to repopulate the Earth, we’d have to look elsewhere (really… I don’t understand how the people aboard the Axium make babies). But if we should ever need to learn how to make friends, we have our answer. It’s Wall-e.

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I hope you like my picks and comment with your own. A quick question, by the way: do you prefer my posts with pictures or without pictures?